Chalmun’s Cantina

Chalmun’s Spaceport Cantina has become synonymous with Mos Eisley, so much so that spacers far and wide know it as “The Mos Eisley Cantina” (or, sometimes simply “Cantina”, from the minimal sign outside). Locals usually just refer to it as “The Double C”.

The proprietor is, of course, that well-known immigrant from Kashyyk, Chalmun. He’s a scarey dude and probably would like a whole lot better wearing stylish Revlon wigs. But who are we to suggest that? He would more likely tear the hair off our head, which if you think about it, might warrant getting a wig myself. Having a wig swiped off my head would be certainly less painful than a chunk of my real hair. Perhaps wearing a wig would be a good defensive move for any number of occasions. I must ponder this. Anyway, Chalmun spends much of his time in the office in back, recently taking care of the cantina’s loan refi. Generally, visitors won’t meet him, and that’s probably for the best. For both sides.

To be fair, he’s usually no more volatile and dangerous than any other Wookie ex-thug (not anymore, anyway), but please leave your droids outside and don’t cause trouble…unless you enjoy being thrown headfirst into permacrete.

Speaking of which, if you happen to cause trouble at night, you’re far more likely to encounter Tork, the bouncer, than Chalmun…but that’s the absolute last thing that you want to do. Chalmun will simply break your bones, but the things that Tork will do will give you nightmares for the rest of your unhappy, short, and painful life.

The house music is provided by that band of intergalactic renown, the Modal Nodes. Led by the always-unpredictable Figrin D’an, you are guaranteed a moody fusion of authentic Jatz and more modern Jizz (or “Jazz”, as some squeamish humans like to call it). Dancing is encouraged but is not without its risks.

(if you visit at night, and you’re very lucky, you may find the lovely and talented Ackmena neglecting her barmaid duties to join the Nodes for a song or two. Interaction is encouraged but is not without its risks — namely, Tork.)

Should you visit during the day instead, you’ll be treated to that master of xenoalchemy, Wuher. What he lacks in personality, friendliness, and warmth, he more than makes up for in knowledge and skill. Name a drink, any drink, and he’ll make it…and it will be the best that you’ve ever had, or your money back (no, not really).

A word of warning: prostitutes regularly solicit customers in Chalmun’s Cantina, but so do any number of con-artists who may appear to be prostitutes. Or even covert mercenaries who pose as con artists who pose as prostitutes. Things can get complicated very quickly at Chalmun’s…

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